Okay fisrt before I eleborate on that title...

The Surviving Mother journal entries are acutaully chapters in a book that I hope to publish. Ruff drafts are the journal entries, when I am able to get better internet and more time I will be adding them onto the Deviations.

Just so everyone who is reading along knows, I'm not writing them for pitty, or anything, though I understand that alot of you would be sorry for me. I can't handle one more sorry, because it doesn't make me feel any better for my situation. So please refrain from saying it.

I do not mind questions about it, or even a hey if you need anything sort of comment. I don't even mind if I get some spell check or grammer critique.

If any of you do wish to help, you can pass on that I'm writing this and see if anyone else is interested in reading along my journy. I'm writing this to reach out to other people, and to inform others that this is more common than most realize. Thank you everyone who has already commented and read along.

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Now onto my title and why it is what it is.

So i have this secret, that is wanting to explode from my chest. But I can't let anyone know of it, becuase, I'm the only one who still has these thoughts.

I'm still in love with my son's father, no not Mr. Moody, my first child's father. Unfortunately I realize now, that being with Moody was just my way of proving to myself that it didn't have to be him, that I didn't still love him, and that I had moved on.

My son's father on a whim came into town to see him and stayed the night. Just seeing him made me heart ache. I thought maybe I might still have some feelings for him, we do have a son together, but I was sorely surprised to realize that I was still madly in love with this man. That I still longed for something that may have only ever been there in my head.

I also had promised myself that I was going to become different. That I nolonger wanted to continue down the path of bitterness that only seemed to hurt people. I didn't want to become "Moody". I told myself regaurdless of me still feeling anything for my son's father that I would not allow myself to make a fool of me anymore.

THen to come find out that it was more than just a few feelings was a little bit more than I could handle on the spot. What made matters worse our son decided that he wanted to be with both of us at all times. So I had to sit next to him, and in the end sleep in the same bed. (Don't worry everyone Aananais made sure we were exactly one baby length away from eachother all night.) Needless to say I barely slept, and almost poured my soul out to him too.

My ex has a girl in his life, that he has been seeing literally off and on for what will be two years in januraury I believe. They have lived together for about a little over a year, but weren't always together during that time. CUrrent time together this time round - two months-.

I told him that night, instead of telling him what I really wanted to say, "I really hope you and Re******(name edited out because well I don't have permission) can make it." I ment what I said but the taste it left inside me was bitter sweet. I had said it and then sat in silence for what seemed like hours, though only minuets had passed by, befor eI turned my back towards him and Ananais.

Granted some of the things he did, could be misconstruded as him having feelings for me as well, but I cannot allow myself to think this way. I must assume that he is just concerned, simply because of our son. I must assume that it is just his good nature and weakness for women in pain or trouble. I can't let myself become that woman who ruins a relationship or two over her own selfish desires.

Not to mention..... his family would dissaprove worse than before. Besides I know where I stand, and that I am not good for anybody. I can't even take care of myself my son. with out resorting to the charity of others. And before any one says anything about that, I made the choices that lead me to this point, I have no one to blame but myself.

Part of me wants to ask him right out "DO you still love me, even a little at all like you did before?" but that would make things complicated and uncomfortable between us. He may even feel that we would head down the same path that I often end up going because I want so badly to be with him that I start to lash out. WHich makes him leary to come visit or even talk to me.

I've worked really damn hard to get it to this point, I can't allow myself to back track now.

I also found that I want to confess how I feel to him, but that would inevitablly lead to the same thing, more heartache and misery for all those invloved. What I need to do is stop loving him.

Let it all go. Rip out my heart and throw it away. I need to do this for my son so he can have some semblance of a realstionship with his father. I know I haven't said nice things about my ex. He really did do me severe wrong. HUrt me deeply. I know I should hate him for all of it and more... but the heart wants what the heart wants I guess. Unlucky for me, it can't have and shouldn't have either.

I know I have to swallow these feeling away and never think of them again.... but they won't go away. And I want to cry all the time. But I can't break down, not right now or everyone will just put two and two together and then they will all know my shameful secret.

My horrible shameful secret.... THat I love him still and that I want no one else but him.... I can't strain relationships any further than they are now.... it would be disasterous.

Anyway, I best be going. Thanks to all who decided to read to the end, you are real troops. lol

~Zimm